Enticer- da fuck

Good evening chums,

Well, the results are in, and my bike leg of the corporate tri was 58. something minutes, i.e. less than the hour.  And all that with two vomit breaks. RESULT 🙂 I’m happy with that, and I suppose that meets a goal….. I really wanted under an hour..

So, since then, I have been training and getting strong and training and shit.  And then, my coaches (my coach Craig, his wife Vicki and my husband, Inspector gadget) have decided that I need to do the Inticer tri this weekend.  Thats 150m swim, 10km bike and 1.5km run.

Da absolute fuck…… Many reasons why not.

  1. I have never swam in open water.  Its only 150m, so the distance is not a drama, but the head in the croc infested water is a big deal- as is the fact I cant do the freestyle shizzle.
  2. I have never ridden after a swim. – probs not a drama if the crocs dont get me
  3. I have never run off the bike. So, apparently this is a big deal, and since the last effort left me unable to get of the fucking bike, never mind run thereof, I’m fucked.
  4. Back to the swim, Im not going to freestyle.  Big Nang freestyle will be just getting it done without the head in the water…..Breasting stroke for me. Head up, granny like, and fuck the world 🙂
  5. The run is up a hill. Coach says I can walk it, but – really, with my competitive head. Thats not gunna happen. I shall probs do a hammy on the first 20m.
  6. Its also down a hill, which could fuck a knee or two, or just make me feel better because my shuffle will perhaps resemble a jog. (visualizes trotting through the finish like a young gizelle- then pisses self laughing at the visual….)
  7. Im a lazy cunt.
  8. I’d rather not bother
  9. I’m shamed to come last
  10. referring to (9) – I reckon that if I lurk around the waters and shit, peeps viewing might mistake me for a sprint distance athlete. In other words, I may not actually finish last.

So, thats it, shitting copious pants, yet again, and wondering why I didnt take up fucking knitting……….

Alarm set for crow pish (so early the birds are only contemplating their toileting) and bike ready on trainer for a mega sesh.

Wish me luck, and I’ll keep you all informed of progress.

Talk soon,BN xxx

Triathlon fever

Well chums, who would have thought- I’ve been bitten by the bug and have triathlon fever, big time!

Today was my first taste- a corporate tri, where I did the bike leg with these wonderful people

It was hard – very, very hard.  Probs the hardest thing I have ever done. 35 degrees, raging humidity, considering we are in the desert, and a fecking head wind on the way home that would have cleaved corn, as my mother would have said.  And hilly, bloody hilly bike leg.  I vomited twice. yup, had to stop the bike, and hurl at the side of the road.  How charming. my legs were like jelly, and my lungs still are not right, but, guess what – I fucking did it.  20km, done.

The home leg was seriously awful, but once I smelt the sausage sizzle from about 1km out, this fat girl was all but home.  When I finished, it was far from pretty.  I truly didn’t have the energy left to get off the bike, and had some help from my coach, who was also a steward. Then it was all down hill, into transition, and all done.

I could barely breathe, and felt really sick, but a lovely lady gave me some lemonade (she had vomited too:)) and I felt heaps better.  I cant tell you the feeling when so many of my team were cheering me on, and I heard my voice announced that I had done my leg – It was brilliant. I have been so bitten by the bug, thanks to these wonderful people

The best coach in the world is on the left of the photo.  She not only did the run leg for one team, but saw my team’s runner was suffering so ran another lap with her. She is a truly wonderful human, and I am so blessed to have met her.

This mob are the very best, and I will be training with them for the next nine weeks to get to the point where I can do my very own sprint distance by myself.

I apologies If I am not so full of my witty repartee this evening, but I am totally buggered. In the best possible way.

Bitten by the bug chums, bitten 🙂

Talk soon,

BN xx

Race day minus 2

Well, chums, its nearly Race Day.

I signed up for a corporate tri just after the last round of exercise, and it seemed like a really good idea at the time.  Now its race day on Saturday and I am shitting my padded cycling pants. I’ve never even done 20km, and its going to be 42 degrees.  Thats celsius for our non metric chums. Da Fuck….

And I have not been on the road, since the nasty bike stacking incident.

Luckily I have my awesome coaches to step in and sort out my shit.

This week is week two in the Vitalize fitness and I’m loving it again.  The program Vicki has written me for Dirt n Dust is hard, but good, and my lovely husband is on board – physically throwing me out of bed this morning for a run.  Bastard.

And this evening, Craig used our PT session for a lesson in using cleats (clippy things that are likely to get stuck and make you fall off if left to the uninitiated) and how to do transition (getting from swimming to on the bike and riding into the sunset).  It was just brilliant.  That man can turn my head from thinking I’m a fat old fucker that has no business in this triathlon malarkey, to a fit honed goddess of advanced years, who can ride a bike and do the clippy things and do anything.  He is severely gifted.

So my stress levels for Saturday are a lot less, and I’m sort of looking forward to my first competitive event in a while.  Well, in years…… well ever really.  Fucking hell, Am I ready????

In other news, I could literally eat all day, I’m STARVING!! but coach says it normal and because I havent doubled up on exercise (morning and evening) for years!!

So I’m away to eat the entire contents of me fridge, and have some magnesium and panadol osteo for me joints, and sleep like a baby.

I shall update you all on the tri.  Wish me well.

Talk soon,

BN xx

Oh merrr geerd

Sixty Five days.  Da absolute fuck.  Am totally unprepared, but as keen as fucking mustard.

OK so training program has not gone according to plan……Took rest day yesterday because dropped drawer on toe and couldn’t get shoe on.  I swear some fuck is sticking pins in a voodoo doll.

Now today was just a swim on the program.  Drove to pool, freaked out – millions of cars (probs 10) millions of people (probs 30) and I had major anxiety and drove home. I think it was kids swim lessons or something, the pool in Mount Isa would seldom have seen such traffic. Anyhoo, not for me just yet.

In other news, I was so cross with myself, I did 30 mins on bike at very hard gearing thingo.  The poor trainer was straining under the pressure. I had to do something.  That was tomorrow’s exercise, so I have swapped, and am getting up early to swim.

Chums, kick my virtual ass, and make me do this……

What the fuck is wrong with me and the lack of get up and go???????????

I’ve got up and gone 🙁

Talk soon,BN xxx

Blessings.

Evening Chums,

Today, I was reminded of how blessed I am, in many ways.  Blessings are not just a religious thing, and God alone knows I am not religious in any way, shape or form.  Blessings come in many ways, and many situations, and often when you’re not expecting anything.

As you may have gathered, my aim is to complete the Dirt and Dust sprint triathlon in Julia Creek, on April 7.  Google the fuck out of that chums – arsehole of nowhere, dirty, dusty and hot. And you also may have gathered that I have been a part of Vitalize Fitness program for the past number of weeks. I have loved the program, and what it has done for me, and how the coaching has lifted me to believe I am capable of so much more.

Today I woke to a very special gift.  My coach has written me a specific program to get my fat aged ass over the finishing line in 10 weeks time.  I didn’t ask her to do it, I didn’t pay or sign up for such an individual program, but she did it, and I am truly truly grateful. She is such a special human being, and is so involved in everything all of her clients do.  This woman has changed my life, and now keeps giving. I cannot express my gratitude.

Some day, I will pay it back.  I think it may be to encourage other over 50’s fat lonely souls, like me, to get up, get active and go for goals that others laugh at. I really need to give back.  Vicki will never take anything in return, for herself, she’s just not like that,  but I will be there for this woman, no matter what.  I will fundraise for her, I will support her, and I will sing her praises from the rooftops.

Vicki Nicholson, you have changed me in ways you will never, ever know.  You have selflessly given to others and continue to do so every day, and for that, I applaud you. I am truly blessed, in all ways, to have met you, and to be a part of your wonderful program.  Thank you for being you, and thank you for what you have done, and continue to do for me and all the others. And thank you Craig, your wonderful husband, for pushing me, supporting me, making me vomit, and always being there.  I will make you cry like never before, on April 7.

Tomorrow, the serious training begins.  I will not let this wonderful woman down, or her wonderful husband.  I will succeed for once in my life, and I will make a lot of people proud.

Tonight, I cannot count my blessings, there are too many.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Talk soon, BNxx

 

 

Mortality and the middle aged woman.

So, chums, a quick quiz. What do Lucille Ball, George C Scott, John Ritter, Albert Einstein, many many more famous folk, and my grandfather have in common?

They all died from Aortic Aneurysm rupture. Not a pleasant way to go but quick, sudden and almost always without warning or prior detection. It’s where the walls of the main artery leaving the heart is enlarged to the point of bursting, and when it blows, theres not much that can be done, unless a crack team of cardiothoracic surgeons are standing by.

More here:

http://atelier-drachenhaus.de/aortic-aneurysm-location
So you can imagine my delight when after having high blood pressure, the doctor suggested an echocardiogram. Thats an up close and personal kind of procedure at the best of times, but when the operator says your aorta looks on the big side, whilst practically straddling you, I’m sure the poor soul felt my horror first hand.
I remembered straight away my grandmother telling me how my grandad had died suddenly from an aneurism, and he was only in his fifties. He never got to see my mum get married, or meet any of his grand kids. The horror I felt was real. Same age as me, and now I have the same thing……
Thus began a nightmare four weeks. Every burp or slight indigestion pain was of course the aneurism resecting, and my last few minutes on this mortal coil. Every muscle pain or cramp was the grim reaper calling me up. And Dr Google refused to take my calls. his search engines were jammed with me looking up all possible cures, causes and consequences, none of which were terribly favourable.
So I decided to get a decent GP and talk through it. He was very nice but non committal and referred me to a cardiologist. The very thought – I don’t need/want a cardiologist – I have bucket lists to conquer, not buckets to kick. So I waited for an appointment in the Godforsaken desert location I live in, and none came. So I called his rooms and went privately.
Dr Bejasus (or something like that) was just lovely. Listened intently to my ramblings about death from wind pain, and my impending mortality fears, looked me straight in the eye and said “you’re not going to die”.
THANK FUCK.
Dr Bejasus, I love you dearly. He went on to tell me that my measly 4.1 cm enlargement was nothing to worry about, we just need to keep the blood pressure down and all shall be well. His golden rule for panic and scalpel wielding is 5.5 cm. Obviously we have no idea how quick, if at all, mine will/is growing, but by all accounts I have a while longer to torture my nearest and dearest.
There were a few more high points to the consultation:
1. He didn’t laugh when I told him I was training for a triathlon. In fact he said competitive and even olympic athletes have been known to have low level aortic enlargement.
2. He practically begged me to continue training!!
3. He reckons that since I’ve lost 7 kilos and train 5 – 6 days per week, it has saved me from having two new medications being prescribed- I wont need beta blockers or cholesterol meds
4. He is dropping my blood pressure tablets back to a more suitable dose for those athletic types like me!!!!

So there it is. A brush with my mortality, many tears, and ultimately more resolve to continue this journey.

Sorry for not updating sooner, but I wouldn’t have been my normal witty self, and refuse to use this log to moan and whine!!

So, I have signed up for another 9 weeks with my trainers.  I hope they will take me back once I tell them about these developments, but even if not, I am still aiming for the Dirt and Dust in early April.

Stay tuned, this is going to get even more exciting, not there are higher stakes – I have to exercise or its more medication for me. And I’m more determined to share and spread the word that anything is possible, and age is just a number.

Take Care

BN xx

Keeping it real

Hello again,
I survived the nasty post exercise muscle fatigue and lived to exercise another day. Note to self, must stop catastrophizing (is that even a word?) In fact, was feeling so up and out there, I went for a swim after work today.
Big goal. Big Nang at the local pool. Have put this off for weeks now, because of phobia of someone seeing me, and my cloak of invisibility not working.
But today, I did it.
Got changed in work, so arrived at pool with work clothes over capacious cozzie. Scoured the area, waited for everyone to swim in the other direction, and got the gear off and into the pool in absolute record time. No flabby skin on show for more than a nano second.
Now, when I say swim, I mean head above the water, breast strokeish movements, and 4 minutes to get there and back. I timed myself, like a true professional athlete.
I bought a swim cap, to look the part, and some very cheap goggles, in pink, for that trendy edge, so donned them while hiding bulky frame underwater. I was aiming to do the proper breasty strokey head under water shit, but only did it a couple of times, and then got freaky. I am not a fan of head in the water. So I decided to take off the goggles, and a lens popped out, so pulled them off and shoved them down me front, where they remained for the rest of the swim.
I actually did there and back five times, and its a big pool, so was quite pleased. On both sides were people who can do the front crawling shizzle. They lapped me frequently in their effortless speediness there and back. I really need someone to teach me to do that, but my studies of them today proved that I will have to put my head in the water, and leave it there. Fuck.
So I came home to continue the study on the trusty interwebs. And Chums, I have found the loveliest swim coach on the you tubes. Go and get a load of this wan……..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXgh56kisTg especially at the beginning when he’s out of the water. Oh Err Missus. All accent and muscles and shit. And he told me not to stress, and three steps and I can do it.

Might have to watch him tomorrow again to make sure I didn’t miss any salient points, or a couple of his muscles 🙂

So, my friends, another goal and another hole in the bucket to fix – Swimmings.

Luckily we have a pool, but its a bit chilly yet.  Soon I shall be able to emulate my new coach in the privacy of my back yard, and not do the walk of shame back to the towel.  That was another disaster.  I couldn’t leap like a young gazelle out of the pool, so had to hold my nose and duck under them lane marker things, and climb up the disabled stairs.  God forgive me, but I limped, just to take the bad look off it.

So another day, and another goal done – and another one discovered.

Tomorrow is personal training day, and group session at the hills.  I’ll take a photo to prove it.

All in all a bloody good day.

Take Care,

BN x