Someone’s got to be last.

Evening chums,

Today I completed my first Triathlon.  Just an enticer distance, but I did it. Can’t say it was as enjoyable as I had anticipated, but its done.

The swim was in the lake, in which some kids told us just before the race had a nearby crocodile (no joke, but only a “freshie” so no danger).  The lake water is also nasty and green and sludgy, with big weeds.I mean Harry Potter type tendrils that threaten to come up and suck you into the water.

I near shit my tri suit. Got into the water, started swimming and the weeds took over.  I had already planned to breaststroke the distance because I didn’t want additional stress of breathing etc, but when the weeds hit, I couldn’t fucking breathe anyway.  It was only 300m, so should have been easy, but I coudn’t get my breath, struggled really badly and was last out of the water. My beautiful coach had entere to support her son, whose first tri this was too, and ended up swimming, looking back at us stragglers, trying to help us out.  There was also a lovely lady on a paddle board, who stayed with me the whole way.  I think she thought I might actually drown!! So did I when the tendrils of the weed tried to pull me under.

Transition was good, I had all my shit set out, and did it all properly like I had practiced.  and off I went on the bike, my favourite.

Well, even that was a struggle – I still was gasping for air, with a killer headache, and it wasn’t until half way that I even felt normal. My head was telling me “what the fuck are you doing her” and “Julia Creek can go and get fucked”

Then, when I settled, I powered on through the ride, and actually passed a couple of people, and really quite enjoyed it.

Transition was good, I got off the bike unaided, and walked it back in.  But – when I tried to run, no fucking way were my legs doing it.  It was uphill, but I really couldn’t do it. Poor coach was there trying to get me to do small intervals, but it wasn’t happening. My legs were like jelly, and I couldn’t breathe.  So I walked most of it, and got overtaken by those I had passed earlier.

So chums, someone had to be last, and it was me.

I am pissed of at myself, because I was last, and am desperately trying to pull myself from the quitting notions that are upon me.

SO here is the list of positives to help me:

I swam through killer weed infested waters

I swam in deep water, which freaks me and I don’t do.

I swam in a lake, which I have never done before

I did a pretty smooth transition

The bike leg went really well, and apart from trouble breathing, I had no bother

I finished the race

I am 54 years of age, and 6 months ago could not have contemplated doing even one of those legs

Someone had to come last.

Thats all for now, while I contemplate my athletic future.

 

Talk soon,

BNxx

 

 

Enticer- da fuck

Good evening chums,

Well, the results are in, and my bike leg of the corporate tri was 58. something minutes, i.e. less than the hour.  And all that with two vomit breaks. RESULT 🙂 I’m happy with that, and I suppose that meets a goal….. I really wanted under an hour..

So, since then, I have been training and getting strong and training and shit.  And then, my coaches (my coach Craig, his wife Vicki and my husband, Inspector gadget) have decided that I need to do the Inticer tri this weekend.  Thats 150m swim, 10km bike and 1.5km run.

Da absolute fuck…… Many reasons why not.

  1. I have never swam in open water.  Its only 150m, so the distance is not a drama, but the head in the croc infested water is a big deal- as is the fact I cant do the freestyle shizzle.
  2. I have never ridden after a swim. – probs not a drama if the crocs dont get me
  3. I have never run off the bike. So, apparently this is a big deal, and since the last effort left me unable to get of the fucking bike, never mind run thereof, I’m fucked.
  4. Back to the swim, Im not going to freestyle.  Big Nang freestyle will be just getting it done without the head in the water…..Breasting stroke for me. Head up, granny like, and fuck the world 🙂
  5. The run is up a hill. Coach says I can walk it, but – really, with my competitive head. Thats not gunna happen. I shall probs do a hammy on the first 20m.
  6. Its also down a hill, which could fuck a knee or two, or just make me feel better because my shuffle will perhaps resemble a jog. (visualizes trotting through the finish like a young gizelle- then pisses self laughing at the visual….)
  7. Im a lazy cunt.
  8. I’d rather not bother
  9. I’m shamed to come last
  10. referring to (9) – I reckon that if I lurk around the waters and shit, peeps viewing might mistake me for a sprint distance athlete. In other words, I may not actually finish last.

So, thats it, shitting copious pants, yet again, and wondering why I didnt take up fucking knitting……….

Alarm set for crow pish (so early the birds are only contemplating their toileting) and bike ready on trainer for a mega sesh.

Wish me luck, and I’ll keep you all informed of progress.

Talk soon,BN xxx

Triathlon fever

Well chums, who would have thought- I’ve been bitten by the bug and have triathlon fever, big time!

Today was my first taste- a corporate tri, where I did the bike leg with these wonderful people

It was hard – very, very hard.  Probs the hardest thing I have ever done. 35 degrees, raging humidity, considering we are in the desert, and a fecking head wind on the way home that would have cleaved corn, as my mother would have said.  And hilly, bloody hilly bike leg.  I vomited twice. yup, had to stop the bike, and hurl at the side of the road.  How charming. my legs were like jelly, and my lungs still are not right, but, guess what – I fucking did it.  20km, done.

The home leg was seriously awful, but once I smelt the sausage sizzle from about 1km out, this fat girl was all but home.  When I finished, it was far from pretty.  I truly didn’t have the energy left to get off the bike, and had some help from my coach, who was also a steward. Then it was all down hill, into transition, and all done.

I could barely breathe, and felt really sick, but a lovely lady gave me some lemonade (she had vomited too:)) and I felt heaps better.  I cant tell you the feeling when so many of my team were cheering me on, and I heard my voice announced that I had done my leg – It was brilliant. I have been so bitten by the bug, thanks to these wonderful people

The best coach in the world is on the left of the photo.  She not only did the run leg for one team, but saw my team’s runner was suffering so ran another lap with her. She is a truly wonderful human, and I am so blessed to have met her.

This mob are the very best, and I will be training with them for the next nine weeks to get to the point where I can do my very own sprint distance by myself.

I apologies If I am not so full of my witty repartee this evening, but I am totally buggered. In the best possible way.

Bitten by the bug chums, bitten 🙂

Talk soon,

BN xx

Race day minus 2

Well, chums, its nearly Race Day.

I signed up for a corporate tri just after the last round of exercise, and it seemed like a really good idea at the time.  Now its race day on Saturday and I am shitting my padded cycling pants. I’ve never even done 20km, and its going to be 42 degrees.  Thats celsius for our non metric chums. Da Fuck….

And I have not been on the road, since the nasty bike stacking incident.

Luckily I have my awesome coaches to step in and sort out my shit.

This week is week two in the Vitalize fitness and I’m loving it again.  The program Vicki has written me for Dirt n Dust is hard, but good, and my lovely husband is on board – physically throwing me out of bed this morning for a run.  Bastard.

And this evening, Craig used our PT session for a lesson in using cleats (clippy things that are likely to get stuck and make you fall off if left to the uninitiated) and how to do transition (getting from swimming to on the bike and riding into the sunset).  It was just brilliant.  That man can turn my head from thinking I’m a fat old fucker that has no business in this triathlon malarkey, to a fit honed goddess of advanced years, who can ride a bike and do the clippy things and do anything.  He is severely gifted.

So my stress levels for Saturday are a lot less, and I’m sort of looking forward to my first competitive event in a while.  Well, in years…… well ever really.  Fucking hell, Am I ready????

In other news, I could literally eat all day, I’m STARVING!! but coach says it normal and because I havent doubled up on exercise (morning and evening) for years!!

So I’m away to eat the entire contents of me fridge, and have some magnesium and panadol osteo for me joints, and sleep like a baby.

I shall update you all on the tri.  Wish me well.

Talk soon,

BN xx

Oh merrr geerd

Sixty Five days.  Da absolute fuck.  Am totally unprepared, but as keen as fucking mustard.

OK so training program has not gone according to plan……Took rest day yesterday because dropped drawer on toe and couldn’t get shoe on.  I swear some fuck is sticking pins in a voodoo doll.

Now today was just a swim on the program.  Drove to pool, freaked out – millions of cars (probs 10) millions of people (probs 30) and I had major anxiety and drove home. I think it was kids swim lessons or something, the pool in Mount Isa would seldom have seen such traffic. Anyhoo, not for me just yet.

In other news, I was so cross with myself, I did 30 mins on bike at very hard gearing thingo.  The poor trainer was straining under the pressure. I had to do something.  That was tomorrow’s exercise, so I have swapped, and am getting up early to swim.

Chums, kick my virtual ass, and make me do this……

What the fuck is wrong with me and the lack of get up and go???????????

I’ve got up and gone 🙁

Talk soon,BN xxx

Blessings.

Evening Chums,

Today, I was reminded of how blessed I am, in many ways.  Blessings are not just a religious thing, and God alone knows I am not religious in any way, shape or form.  Blessings come in many ways, and many situations, and often when you’re not expecting anything.

As you may have gathered, my aim is to complete the Dirt and Dust sprint triathlon in Julia Creek, on April 7.  Google the fuck out of that chums – arsehole of nowhere, dirty, dusty and hot. And you also may have gathered that I have been a part of Vitalize Fitness program for the past number of weeks. I have loved the program, and what it has done for me, and how the coaching has lifted me to believe I am capable of so much more.

Today I woke to a very special gift.  My coach has written me a specific program to get my fat aged ass over the finishing line in 10 weeks time.  I didn’t ask her to do it, I didn’t pay or sign up for such an individual program, but she did it, and I am truly truly grateful. She is such a special human being, and is so involved in everything all of her clients do.  This woman has changed my life, and now keeps giving. I cannot express my gratitude.

Some day, I will pay it back.  I think it may be to encourage other over 50’s fat lonely souls, like me, to get up, get active and go for goals that others laugh at. I really need to give back.  Vicki will never take anything in return, for herself, she’s just not like that,  but I will be there for this woman, no matter what.  I will fundraise for her, I will support her, and I will sing her praises from the rooftops.

Vicki Nicholson, you have changed me in ways you will never, ever know.  You have selflessly given to others and continue to do so every day, and for that, I applaud you. I am truly blessed, in all ways, to have met you, and to be a part of your wonderful program.  Thank you for being you, and thank you for what you have done, and continue to do for me and all the others. And thank you Craig, your wonderful husband, for pushing me, supporting me, making me vomit, and always being there.  I will make you cry like never before, on April 7.

Tomorrow, the serious training begins.  I will not let this wonderful woman down, or her wonderful husband.  I will succeed for once in my life, and I will make a lot of people proud.

Tonight, I cannot count my blessings, there are too many.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Talk soon, BNxx

 

 

Spinning around

Evening chums,

well, another day of stepping outside the comfort zone and advancing in the old fitness shizzle. My coach has a spinning class every Tuesday at the ungodly hour of 530am, and today I did it.  I actually set the alrm, got up, and went to the gym

Now, If you have never done an RPM class, I can highly recommend it.  It was just brilliant.  Its all loud music and turning up the resistance of the bike, but basically its you v. bike.  The coach will never know if you cranked it up as much as she did, but you can pace it to not die half way through.

The last time I did one of these classes, me missy bum was numb for a week, but, with the benefit of added padding in the cycling pants, I am pleased to report I still have full feeling in me bits.

Seriously, if your looking for a gym class that you can do at your own pace (its dark in there, so no one can see you cry….) give it a go.

And, I didn’t fall off. Handy that, given recent form on two wheels 🙂

Very happy I did it, and very happy that the journey continues, despite sore and grazed knees.

Talk soon,

Take care,

BN xx

Keeping it real

Hello again,
I survived the nasty post exercise muscle fatigue and lived to exercise another day. Note to self, must stop catastrophizing (is that even a word?) In fact, was feeling so up and out there, I went for a swim after work today.
Big goal. Big Nang at the local pool. Have put this off for weeks now, because of phobia of someone seeing me, and my cloak of invisibility not working.
But today, I did it.
Got changed in work, so arrived at pool with work clothes over capacious cozzie. Scoured the area, waited for everyone to swim in the other direction, and got the gear off and into the pool in absolute record time. No flabby skin on show for more than a nano second.
Now, when I say swim, I mean head above the water, breast strokeish movements, and 4 minutes to get there and back. I timed myself, like a true professional athlete.
I bought a swim cap, to look the part, and some very cheap goggles, in pink, for that trendy edge, so donned them while hiding bulky frame underwater. I was aiming to do the proper breasty strokey head under water shit, but only did it a couple of times, and then got freaky. I am not a fan of head in the water. So I decided to take off the goggles, and a lens popped out, so pulled them off and shoved them down me front, where they remained for the rest of the swim.
I actually did there and back five times, and its a big pool, so was quite pleased. On both sides were people who can do the front crawling shizzle. They lapped me frequently in their effortless speediness there and back. I really need someone to teach me to do that, but my studies of them today proved that I will have to put my head in the water, and leave it there. Fuck.
So I came home to continue the study on the trusty interwebs. And Chums, I have found the loveliest swim coach on the you tubes. Go and get a load of this wan……..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXgh56kisTg especially at the beginning when he’s out of the water. Oh Err Missus. All accent and muscles and shit. And he told me not to stress, and three steps and I can do it.

Might have to watch him tomorrow again to make sure I didn’t miss any salient points, or a couple of his muscles 🙂

So, my friends, another goal and another hole in the bucket to fix – Swimmings.

Luckily we have a pool, but its a bit chilly yet.  Soon I shall be able to emulate my new coach in the privacy of my back yard, and not do the walk of shame back to the towel.  That was another disaster.  I couldn’t leap like a young gazelle out of the pool, so had to hold my nose and duck under them lane marker things, and climb up the disabled stairs.  God forgive me, but I limped, just to take the bad look off it.

So another day, and another goal done – and another one discovered.

Tomorrow is personal training day, and group session at the hills.  I’ll take a photo to prove it.

All in all a bloody good day.

Take Care,

BN x

Sugar

Morning all,
I have become a sugar Nazi. I look for hidden sugar everywhere, and seek it out from packets and containers of processed food. It is one of the foundations of the program I am currently on, and the more I learn, the more I am amazed at how much of the stuff we put away, and how addictive it really is.
If you haven’t already, do yourself a favour and watch “That Sugar Film” available on the website here http://thatsugarfilm.com/
Its all about a bloke who is really fit and who eats a load of sugar and nearly kills himself. The twist in the movie, (and its a documentary BTW) is that he only eats “healthy” food. Mostly low fat processed stuff, but the type of food I have been eating for years and wondering why I was so fat. Theres a lot of interesting things about the science and biology of it all, which made a bit of sense to me, even though I paid little attention in science class in school.
There are a heap of other brilliant resources around for quitting sugar, “I quit sugar” is brilliant and has loads of recipes on the website here: https://iquitsugar.com/

I am now 3 weeks clean 🙂 and it has not been an easy task.  I didn’t really get the cravings, or I thought I didn’t, but I was as cranky as the crankiest person and my fucks to give were few and far between.  But, I stuck it out, and have not eaten processed stuff for a while now.

Since we are all at the beginning of this journey, and in addition to the warning about the language and toilet humour, I feel I should also warn those of a nervous disposition to avert their eyes from the photo content of this blog.  I’m no expert in the photographing, but my iPhone is.  However, my iPhone is yet to tell me how to edit stuff, so nothing will be photoshopped. It will all be honest to God, as it happens in my kitchen.

This morning, I made poached eggs, proper poached like proper cooks do with the boiling water, the vinegar and the leap of faith before you pour in the egg.  They tasted lovely, but the yolks cooked a fair way from the whites in the pot, and they came out looking like male genitalia. Still, I wrapped them up and threw them on the plate.

img_6482-1

So there you are, real photos of real food and real problems with the cheffing shizzle.

There will be more of this, be warned 🙂

That’s all for now folks,
Talk soon,
Take care,BN x

Hello

This blog is all about my thoughts, experiences and things I will find out about transforming your life after you hit 50. I don’t expect it to be easy, but it better be fun!!
Over the next weeks, I will share the good, the bad and the downright ugly bits of this journey, which will hopefully lead me to bucket list items such as triathlon and running very far.
These are major goals, I can tell you, considering the starting point is a mild shuffle between two lamp posts in the street before collapsing in a snivelling gasping heap. And I cant swim. Well, I can, but its head above water doggy paddle at best, and I hate water. And I haven’t been on a bike on the road since 1984, and when I got off it, my legs wouldn’t work and my nether regions were numb for a month. Apart from that, I reckon I’ll be really good at it.
To assist me in this journey to health and mind-blowingly stupid bucket list items, I have joined a local 9 week programme of group fitness, healthy eating advice and personal training. It’s fucking mad. There are all ages and all sizes in the group, and many are on their second or third program, because its so good. And it is. But I tell you, its fucking mad.
Boxing Monday, circuits Wednesday, hills Friday and a sport like soccer or hockey on Saturdays, plus a personal training session somewhere in the mix. For two Sundays in a row I have been unable to move off the couch, or wipe my arse without pain.
Places where I had no idea you had muscles are crying in anguish when I move, and some when I don’t move. The toilet seat appears to have lowered itself to a point where I am unable to gracefully place my buttocks thereon, instead having to drop from a great height, threatening to crash through the floor because there is only so far my quads (I learned that this week when they wouldn’t work – they’re the big ass muscles on front of your legs) will carry me down. My arms are mostly useless at feeding myself, and totally unable to hang out washing without hanging periodically from the line for a rest.
But, the strangest thing of all – I absolutely LOVE it.
The others in the group are really supportive, despite their functioning quads, and no doubt effortless toileting. And at the end of only three weeks of this torture – I am seeing and feeling a difference.
Last night I walked up a hill without stopping. I huffed and puffed and could not have blown a house down, but I kept putting one foot in front of the other, and I fucking made it.
And, I put on a pair of pants today that are normally tight, and they weren’t.
And, a big boss at work who has been off for a couple of weeks asked me if I had lost weight. I nearly crash tackled him for hugs.
I will fill you in on my previous history of exercise at a later date, but to cut a long story short- it normally ends in surgery. Dodgy knees.
This time, I have taken it easy, strengthened all up, and haven’t really run or done anything stupid – yet.
So another huge goal smashed, is that I am three weeks in and without injury. (Races around to touch wood many times).
I have also given up sugar, but that little nightmare deserves a post all to itself. In fact many posts. My children are sick listening to me about how much sugar is in this and that, and are thanking many Gods each day that they no longer live with me.
So welcome to Big Nangs bucket, which as you can see is full of cheap toilet jokes and foul language. Pretty much like my life.
Take care, talk soon,
BN.