Someone’s got to be last.

Evening chums,

Today I completed my first Triathlon.  Just an enticer distance, but I did it. Can’t say it was as enjoyable as I had anticipated, but its done.

The swim was in the lake, in which some kids told us just before the race had a nearby crocodile (no joke, but only a “freshie” so no danger).  The lake water is also nasty and green and sludgy, with big weeds.I mean Harry Potter type tendrils that threaten to come up and suck you into the water.

I near shit my tri suit. Got into the water, started swimming and the weeds took over.  I had already planned to breaststroke the distance because I didn’t want additional stress of breathing etc, but when the weeds hit, I couldn’t fucking breathe anyway.  It was only 300m, so should have been easy, but I coudn’t get my breath, struggled really badly and was last out of the water. My beautiful coach had entere to support her son, whose first tri this was too, and ended up swimming, looking back at us stragglers, trying to help us out.  There was also a lovely lady on a paddle board, who stayed with me the whole way.  I think she thought I might actually drown!! So did I when the tendrils of the weed tried to pull me under.

Transition was good, I had all my shit set out, and did it all properly like I had practiced.  and off I went on the bike, my favourite.

Well, even that was a struggle – I still was gasping for air, with a killer headache, and it wasn’t until half way that I even felt normal. My head was telling me “what the fuck are you doing her” and “Julia Creek can go and get fucked”

Then, when I settled, I powered on through the ride, and actually passed a couple of people, and really quite enjoyed it.

Transition was good, I got off the bike unaided, and walked it back in.  But – when I tried to run, no fucking way were my legs doing it.  It was uphill, but I really couldn’t do it. Poor coach was there trying to get me to do small intervals, but it wasn’t happening. My legs were like jelly, and I couldn’t breathe.  So I walked most of it, and got overtaken by those I had passed earlier.

So chums, someone had to be last, and it was me.

I am pissed of at myself, because I was last, and am desperately trying to pull myself from the quitting notions that are upon me.

SO here is the list of positives to help me:

I swam through killer weed infested waters

I swam in deep water, which freaks me and I don’t do.

I swam in a lake, which I have never done before

I did a pretty smooth transition

The bike leg went really well, and apart from trouble breathing, I had no bother

I finished the race

I am 54 years of age, and 6 months ago could not have contemplated doing even one of those legs

Someone had to come last.

Thats all for now, while I contemplate my athletic future.

 

Talk soon,

BNxx

 

 

Enticer- da fuck

Good evening chums,

Well, the results are in, and my bike leg of the corporate tri was 58. something minutes, i.e. less than the hour.  And all that with two vomit breaks. RESULT 🙂 I’m happy with that, and I suppose that meets a goal….. I really wanted under an hour..

So, since then, I have been training and getting strong and training and shit.  And then, my coaches (my coach Craig, his wife Vicki and my husband, Inspector gadget) have decided that I need to do the Inticer tri this weekend.  Thats 150m swim, 10km bike and 1.5km run.

Da absolute fuck…… Many reasons why not.

  1. I have never swam in open water.  Its only 150m, so the distance is not a drama, but the head in the croc infested water is a big deal- as is the fact I cant do the freestyle shizzle.
  2. I have never ridden after a swim. – probs not a drama if the crocs dont get me
  3. I have never run off the bike. So, apparently this is a big deal, and since the last effort left me unable to get of the fucking bike, never mind run thereof, I’m fucked.
  4. Back to the swim, Im not going to freestyle.  Big Nang freestyle will be just getting it done without the head in the water…..Breasting stroke for me. Head up, granny like, and fuck the world 🙂
  5. The run is up a hill. Coach says I can walk it, but – really, with my competitive head. Thats not gunna happen. I shall probs do a hammy on the first 20m.
  6. Its also down a hill, which could fuck a knee or two, or just make me feel better because my shuffle will perhaps resemble a jog. (visualizes trotting through the finish like a young gizelle- then pisses self laughing at the visual….)
  7. Im a lazy cunt.
  8. I’d rather not bother
  9. I’m shamed to come last
  10. referring to (9) – I reckon that if I lurk around the waters and shit, peeps viewing might mistake me for a sprint distance athlete. In other words, I may not actually finish last.

So, thats it, shitting copious pants, yet again, and wondering why I didnt take up fucking knitting……….

Alarm set for crow pish (so early the birds are only contemplating their toileting) and bike ready on trainer for a mega sesh.

Wish me luck, and I’ll keep you all informed of progress.

Talk soon,BN xxx

Triathlon fever

Well chums, who would have thought- I’ve been bitten by the bug and have triathlon fever, big time!

Today was my first taste- a corporate tri, where I did the bike leg with these wonderful people

It was hard – very, very hard.  Probs the hardest thing I have ever done. 35 degrees, raging humidity, considering we are in the desert, and a fecking head wind on the way home that would have cleaved corn, as my mother would have said.  And hilly, bloody hilly bike leg.  I vomited twice. yup, had to stop the bike, and hurl at the side of the road.  How charming. my legs were like jelly, and my lungs still are not right, but, guess what – I fucking did it.  20km, done.

The home leg was seriously awful, but once I smelt the sausage sizzle from about 1km out, this fat girl was all but home.  When I finished, it was far from pretty.  I truly didn’t have the energy left to get off the bike, and had some help from my coach, who was also a steward. Then it was all down hill, into transition, and all done.

I could barely breathe, and felt really sick, but a lovely lady gave me some lemonade (she had vomited too:)) and I felt heaps better.  I cant tell you the feeling when so many of my team were cheering me on, and I heard my voice announced that I had done my leg – It was brilliant. I have been so bitten by the bug, thanks to these wonderful people

The best coach in the world is on the left of the photo.  She not only did the run leg for one team, but saw my team’s runner was suffering so ran another lap with her. She is a truly wonderful human, and I am so blessed to have met her.

This mob are the very best, and I will be training with them for the next nine weeks to get to the point where I can do my very own sprint distance by myself.

I apologies If I am not so full of my witty repartee this evening, but I am totally buggered. In the best possible way.

Bitten by the bug chums, bitten 🙂

Talk soon,

BN xx

Race day minus 2

Well, chums, its nearly Race Day.

I signed up for a corporate tri just after the last round of exercise, and it seemed like a really good idea at the time.  Now its race day on Saturday and I am shitting my padded cycling pants. I’ve never even done 20km, and its going to be 42 degrees.  Thats celsius for our non metric chums. Da Fuck….

And I have not been on the road, since the nasty bike stacking incident.

Luckily I have my awesome coaches to step in and sort out my shit.

This week is week two in the Vitalize fitness and I’m loving it again.  The program Vicki has written me for Dirt n Dust is hard, but good, and my lovely husband is on board – physically throwing me out of bed this morning for a run.  Bastard.

And this evening, Craig used our PT session for a lesson in using cleats (clippy things that are likely to get stuck and make you fall off if left to the uninitiated) and how to do transition (getting from swimming to on the bike and riding into the sunset).  It was just brilliant.  That man can turn my head from thinking I’m a fat old fucker that has no business in this triathlon malarkey, to a fit honed goddess of advanced years, who can ride a bike and do the clippy things and do anything.  He is severely gifted.

So my stress levels for Saturday are a lot less, and I’m sort of looking forward to my first competitive event in a while.  Well, in years…… well ever really.  Fucking hell, Am I ready????

In other news, I could literally eat all day, I’m STARVING!! but coach says it normal and because I havent doubled up on exercise (morning and evening) for years!!

So I’m away to eat the entire contents of me fridge, and have some magnesium and panadol osteo for me joints, and sleep like a baby.

I shall update you all on the tri.  Wish me well.

Talk soon,

BN xx

Oh merrr geerd

Sixty Five days.  Da absolute fuck.  Am totally unprepared, but as keen as fucking mustard.

OK so training program has not gone according to plan……Took rest day yesterday because dropped drawer on toe and couldn’t get shoe on.  I swear some fuck is sticking pins in a voodoo doll.

Now today was just a swim on the program.  Drove to pool, freaked out – millions of cars (probs 10) millions of people (probs 30) and I had major anxiety and drove home. I think it was kids swim lessons or something, the pool in Mount Isa would seldom have seen such traffic. Anyhoo, not for me just yet.

In other news, I was so cross with myself, I did 30 mins on bike at very hard gearing thingo.  The poor trainer was straining under the pressure. I had to do something.  That was tomorrow’s exercise, so I have swapped, and am getting up early to swim.

Chums, kick my virtual ass, and make me do this……

What the fuck is wrong with me and the lack of get up and go???????????

I’ve got up and gone 🙁

Talk soon,BN xxx

Blessings.

Evening Chums,

Today, I was reminded of how blessed I am, in many ways.  Blessings are not just a religious thing, and God alone knows I am not religious in any way, shape or form.  Blessings come in many ways, and many situations, and often when you’re not expecting anything.

As you may have gathered, my aim is to complete the Dirt and Dust sprint triathlon in Julia Creek, on April 7.  Google the fuck out of that chums – arsehole of nowhere, dirty, dusty and hot. And you also may have gathered that I have been a part of Vitalize Fitness program for the past number of weeks. I have loved the program, and what it has done for me, and how the coaching has lifted me to believe I am capable of so much more.

Today I woke to a very special gift.  My coach has written me a specific program to get my fat aged ass over the finishing line in 10 weeks time.  I didn’t ask her to do it, I didn’t pay or sign up for such an individual program, but she did it, and I am truly truly grateful. She is such a special human being, and is so involved in everything all of her clients do.  This woman has changed my life, and now keeps giving. I cannot express my gratitude.

Some day, I will pay it back.  I think it may be to encourage other over 50’s fat lonely souls, like me, to get up, get active and go for goals that others laugh at. I really need to give back.  Vicki will never take anything in return, for herself, she’s just not like that,  but I will be there for this woman, no matter what.  I will fundraise for her, I will support her, and I will sing her praises from the rooftops.

Vicki Nicholson, you have changed me in ways you will never, ever know.  You have selflessly given to others and continue to do so every day, and for that, I applaud you. I am truly blessed, in all ways, to have met you, and to be a part of your wonderful program.  Thank you for being you, and thank you for what you have done, and continue to do for me and all the others. And thank you Craig, your wonderful husband, for pushing me, supporting me, making me vomit, and always being there.  I will make you cry like never before, on April 7.

Tomorrow, the serious training begins.  I will not let this wonderful woman down, or her wonderful husband.  I will succeed for once in my life, and I will make a lot of people proud.

Tonight, I cannot count my blessings, there are too many.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Talk soon, BNxx

 

 

Spinning around

Evening chums,

well, another day of stepping outside the comfort zone and advancing in the old fitness shizzle. My coach has a spinning class every Tuesday at the ungodly hour of 530am, and today I did it.  I actually set the alrm, got up, and went to the gym

Now, If you have never done an RPM class, I can highly recommend it.  It was just brilliant.  Its all loud music and turning up the resistance of the bike, but basically its you v. bike.  The coach will never know if you cranked it up as much as she did, but you can pace it to not die half way through.

The last time I did one of these classes, me missy bum was numb for a week, but, with the benefit of added padding in the cycling pants, I am pleased to report I still have full feeling in me bits.

Seriously, if your looking for a gym class that you can do at your own pace (its dark in there, so no one can see you cry….) give it a go.

And, I didn’t fall off. Handy that, given recent form on two wheels 🙂

Very happy I did it, and very happy that the journey continues, despite sore and grazed knees.

Talk soon,

Take care,

BN xx

Tri, Tri Tri again

Evening all,

This was to be a triathlon training update, but……I can say “evening all” now because I have gone viral.  Well, viral for me, one visitor.  Thank you, whoever you are for visiting, and making my entire year thus far.  ONE VISIT. Fucking YAY!! Hope you are staying tuned, because its just me and thee…..

Anyhoo, back at Dirty Dusty triathlon training HQ (any other new folk may need to rewind and realise that despite the witty repartee, there is a serious (Feck) triathlon training shizzle happening behind all this humour and all round lovely blogness.

Today was this

Every time I do this, I fail miserably. Well, only at the freestyle head turning and not drowning thang. I can do the breasting stroke beautifully, but slowly, and have real trouble breathing with the crawling malarky. SO I came home all pissed off and unsure of whether I will even continue etc etc.

But do you know what chums?  This time I wont give up.  I reckon its going to be a bit like this

Loads of people and weedy, dirty, nasty water, where no one will notice me breast stroking slowly along.

I’m doing this for me.  Not a medal, not to win. For me.  Just to finish and the accomplishment of something huge. So I’m not getting disheartened, just carrying on with the training.

And the feckers had best be getting out of my way when I get on the bike. Seriously, I will run over them. It shall be my best leg, and I will go like the clappers of shite to make up time 🙂

In other news, I have been cooking up a storm of healthy foods today, and will continue tomorrow.  Will take some self indulgent photos to show you all (well, just the one of you). Its back to work on Monday, so need to be prepared.

So, all in all, another great day, except for the swimmings, but nothing that can’t be fixed.  Off to beds now, one more day of holidays, and hopefully a big ride on the bike.

Talk soon,

Take care,BN xx

Mortality and the middle aged woman.

So, chums, a quick quiz. What do Lucille Ball, George C Scott, John Ritter, Albert Einstein, many many more famous folk, and my grandfather have in common?

They all died from Aortic Aneurysm rupture. Not a pleasant way to go but quick, sudden and almost always without warning or prior detection. It’s where the walls of the main artery leaving the heart is enlarged to the point of bursting, and when it blows, theres not much that can be done, unless a crack team of cardiothoracic surgeons are standing by.

More here:

http://atelier-drachenhaus.de/aortic-aneurysm-location
So you can imagine my delight when after having high blood pressure, the doctor suggested an echocardiogram. Thats an up close and personal kind of procedure at the best of times, but when the operator says your aorta looks on the big side, whilst practically straddling you, I’m sure the poor soul felt my horror first hand.
I remembered straight away my grandmother telling me how my grandad had died suddenly from an aneurism, and he was only in his fifties. He never got to see my mum get married, or meet any of his grand kids. The horror I felt was real. Same age as me, and now I have the same thing……
Thus began a nightmare four weeks. Every burp or slight indigestion pain was of course the aneurism resecting, and my last few minutes on this mortal coil. Every muscle pain or cramp was the grim reaper calling me up. And Dr Google refused to take my calls. his search engines were jammed with me looking up all possible cures, causes and consequences, none of which were terribly favourable.
So I decided to get a decent GP and talk through it. He was very nice but non committal and referred me to a cardiologist. The very thought – I don’t need/want a cardiologist – I have bucket lists to conquer, not buckets to kick. So I waited for an appointment in the Godforsaken desert location I live in, and none came. So I called his rooms and went privately.
Dr Bejasus (or something like that) was just lovely. Listened intently to my ramblings about death from wind pain, and my impending mortality fears, looked me straight in the eye and said “you’re not going to die”.
THANK FUCK.
Dr Bejasus, I love you dearly. He went on to tell me that my measly 4.1 cm enlargement was nothing to worry about, we just need to keep the blood pressure down and all shall be well. His golden rule for panic and scalpel wielding is 5.5 cm. Obviously we have no idea how quick, if at all, mine will/is growing, but by all accounts I have a while longer to torture my nearest and dearest.
There were a few more high points to the consultation:
1. He didn’t laugh when I told him I was training for a triathlon. In fact he said competitive and even olympic athletes have been known to have low level aortic enlargement.
2. He practically begged me to continue training!!
3. He reckons that since I’ve lost 7 kilos and train 5 – 6 days per week, it has saved me from having two new medications being prescribed- I wont need beta blockers or cholesterol meds
4. He is dropping my blood pressure tablets back to a more suitable dose for those athletic types like me!!!!

So there it is. A brush with my mortality, many tears, and ultimately more resolve to continue this journey.

Sorry for not updating sooner, but I wouldn’t have been my normal witty self, and refuse to use this log to moan and whine!!

So, I have signed up for another 9 weeks with my trainers.  I hope they will take me back once I tell them about these developments, but even if not, I am still aiming for the Dirt and Dust in early April.

Stay tuned, this is going to get even more exciting, not there are higher stakes – I have to exercise or its more medication for me. And I’m more determined to share and spread the word that anything is possible, and age is just a number.

Take Care

BN xx

Swings and roundabouts

Its been a bit up and down for the past week, swings and roundabouts sort of sums it up.

swings

Wish my arse would fit into them swings, but….moving along……

So the fitness is now at week six.  The hill climbs are still fucking me over and I haven’t yet got to the top of one without near dying.

But, on Sunday, I had a brilliant day.  My trainers offered a free lesson on the bike, which was just brilliant.  Now the last time I was on a bike on the road was 1984. And I wasn’t a fan then.

Started off shite, but it was really like riding a bike, and soon I stopped wobbling and got on rather well. Except for the turning corners, which were’t great.

Then after some drills and several people falling off- we went out for a ride along the road.  Nearly shit my copious pants when a huge truck overtook us, and I didn’t even hear it coming.

I was flying along with the others, and having a lovely time, but got  a flat tyre that couldn’t be fixed so had to be rescued by car. But all in all, considering the 30 plus year gap in my cycling career, it was rather good.

Next day, the old missy bum was numb, and sitting was very tentative, but all in all I was chuffed with my return to the peleton. (or whatever its called)

So off I trotted to the swimming session next day, all full of my new triathlon career, and how I am going to ace the Dirt n Dust in April.

Roundabout moment. Swimming was shite.  Apparently everyone in Australia can swim like fuck, all glydie and freestyle and shit. Effortlessly skiting up and down, with hardly a splash.  And here’s me, struggling with the nanna breaststroke, head slightly in the water, inhaling most of the pool, and refusing to give in. So we raced in teams.  poor bastards that had me…. we were last.  It was awful.  Tragic even. So I came home completely deflated and rethinking the tri.

Todays session has lightened my spirits a bit. Weights, which I love, but the swimming is still in my head, and needs some serious work.  swim

How fucking hard can it be to do this. Even when your scared of water……….

Im not letting it beat me.  Onwards and upwards.

Talk soon,

BN x